I honestly don’t really know for sure where to start but just let me try. One thing is sure: it will be a long post.
I haven’t been on my blog for a long time. I really wanted to but I realised that I was going through a big change and just wanted to let everything happen. I just wanted to let go for once and ‘go with the flow’. I noticed changes where happening everywhere. I changed but also everything around me did. I was never the type to write in a diary, with my silly head I always forgot to write. But now, since June I have a diary. I don’t write in it everyday, I only write when I really feel like it. That way I could still write but not throw it out in the world.
A change that I noticed by writing in a diary is that my way of writing changed. Because of that change, I made the decision to delete all of my old posts. I know it will take some time to delete them, to let them go. I mean, some of those posts really could hit a hard note. I had moments that I shared my hardest times on this blog. Mostly depressing moments and that’s what I want to let go for a big part. That’s why I’m also going to change my URL.
I’m not saying that everything is okay now. I’m still dealing with stuf but I’m taking it on both sides of me. I’m not only seeying it as a bad thing anymore, that I need to be ‘punished’ that I had to ‘learn it now’ because I would get disappointed by everything all my life. I finally see that not everything is bad. This may sound stupid but I feel like some things happened to me, so that I could share my story and help others. For a long time I was scared to let my voice speak but I’m getting more confidence. I know it will take some time but most things do.
It took some time to get back here. I was scared that nobody was interested anymore in my story. The fear I once let go was back but I know I’m ready to deal with it now.
I don’t believe in all of the ‘psychic’ things but I believe that some people feel things stronger than others. I never really noticed that I was a ‘strong feeling person’ but a really nice teacher on my school made me realise. Somehow I sometimes ignore it because it also means you already know a bit of the hard truth but you still want to hope for something else. I don’t get a full sight of everything, I don’t get everything and of course that makes me a human (I like being a human, don’t worry). But I believe you can choose to see things if you want to/are ready to deal with it. Even if it comes to the simple thing to being in love. Sometimes you like someone and you know somewhere deep that the person is not feeling the same. But being a human, we fantasise, we dream. We hope that we’re somewhere wrong. That hope can get so big that you even fall harder when the truth comes out.
I always hate making decisions because my mental problems never let me (I will talk about that later but I honestly don’t want to make a book out of this post..). Thursday I had to make a light decision: whether to go to a wedding party or not. Being honest: I was very depressed Wednesday. I felt some feelings and I had some thoughts that had been gone for a long time. Something happened that day which released a self hate that I didn’t had to deal with for a long time because I was doing good.
Other change: this time I really tried to not take it so hard. Until 9 months ago, I still did take everything extremely hard. I knew if I did let it get to me now, I would made a major fall back. So I went to the gym and threw everything out.
Making the decision to not let it get to me was the cause that I eventually wanted go to the party. But because I had a little mood swing Thursday afternoon, I was getting a bit worried about my state of being. I didn’t want to be Grumpy Cat at the party. While dressing and doing my make up, I played songs that make me super happy. I even danced as a weirdo in front of my mom. But it was for something good: to make myself as happy as I could be.
Result of doing all of that is that I’m now really happy that I went to the party.
As I arrived somebody already caught my eye. Yes, a guy. I just know him for day now so I’m not going to tell him this because it will make me a creep #1 but thanks to him, I made a major bounce back up to a very good mood. Coming back to the “being a feeling person”, I somewhere knew that he was going to be a very sweet person. I knew he wasn’t the ‘ordinary’ guy. I really know this can sound creepy to people who don’t experience this. It’s weird to say that one person you barely know, can make you happy, but it’s true. I’m happy that it can be that way, it makes me motivated to fight my social problems and meet new people.
Last night I was checking Facebook and came across a post that had a link to his blog. It only contains 3 posts but honestly 3 amazing posts! The way someone writes, their knowledge of words, can appeal to me. It sounds simple to write something, only it’s not. It’s a way of art to me. You need to know yourself to know how to use your words. In one post he wrote: “When I dive into the water, I wanna reach the bottom. That’s when in know someone trusts me to tell me their story, and then in know I can trust them with my story.” Simply said: I hope he’s going to go on with writing. As my mind explored more and ‘grew up’ and I want my blog to be like me, my blog will probably change a lot. Whether you like the change or not, I hope you will try to listen and if you don’t, I wouldn’t hate you either. As they say: Nobody is the same. I just want to talk about everything like I want to. I want to share my story. One thing that doesn’t change is that this blog is still going to be anonymous. Yes, some stories I want to share in public to help people around me, to really talk to them face to face. Most of the time I’m not afraid, but some stories.. Some things that I did to myself, to others, how I looked at life, how some parts of my life are, are hard to tell. I’m maybe even ashamed about some things. I mean, some people knew parts of my life that I’m now ashamed about. I haven’t spoken about a lot of it in a long time but I would be less afraid to tell ‘that guy’ or someone else with the same way of looking at life. I just feel that they would really listen and really try to understand. I just like the ‘mind/way of thinking- connection’. It’s a connection that’s undescribable to me.
I’m trying to end this post a good way, but I can’t seem to find where to end. There are so many things I want to talk about and I will, in time. Maybe tomorrow, maybe a year later. As I love to start writing on my blog again and tell about my life, all the struggles and the changes, I still need to focus on living my life. As there are some major changes happening now (that I will tell you later), I maybe want to do something with writing in the future.
See the change, accept and try to understand. How you deal with it is your choice.
(And ‘that guy’, if you ever read this.. Sorry that I called you ‘that guy’. I just don’t know another term.)