Stay Strong

Insecurities

First of all: Yes, this post does kind of connect to my last post.

I sometimes question myself if fear comes out of being insecure of insecurities out of fear. They look much alike and come together most of the time. At least for me they most of the time come together.

I’ve always been someone who has 2 different minds. Most people do think in a lot of ways but there is a difference in factors that lead to what you’re problem is. My problem is Borderline Personality Disorder. This is a subject I will talk about another time.

Struggling with my mind has been the biggest thing that made me insecure. I’m really a daydreamer, someone who fantasizes and thinks a lot. As a kid, that is completely normal. From growing up I experienced that later in life this still can be a good thing but also can make your life hell, even if you try to not let it get to you. Being insecure is kind of about deciding things. And yes, I’m bad in making choices. Problems in deciding whether to go somewhere or not; Should I eat or not ; Changing clothes a million times in the morning. To be honest, most of my insecurities lay around my body image, about how I look. Being insecure has always been a problem when I was little but when I was 12, I noticed how much being insecure can impact your life. I’ve tried to fight against my insecurities and the things that came with it. It’s been hard, it still is but I will keep going on fighting. I will not give up. I will stay strong.

sosa-parks:

Everyday I’m like “today imma get my shit together” and by the end of the day I’m like “tomorrow is the day for real”

(via scientifrick)

Fear of rejection

There are lot of things we fear in life. Sometmes they are little but sometimes it takes over our mind. They could be so big that it consumes our lives.

Fears are different to everyone. Not only what fear you have but also how big the fear is. You can have a fear for spiders. As a kid I was always scared of big spiders, little spiders didn’t bother me that much. As I grew up, the fear became bigger.

But there’s one fear that keeps coming back. Well it’s always there but it depends on the situation if it pops up or not. It’s the fear of rejection. I think it’s a fear that most people have. Every has a feeling somewhere that they want everybody to like them. You don’t want to be hated. You try to please people.

This is where love hurts us. Not just someone you have a crush on, also family and friends. You’re scared that if you do something wrong, they won’t love you anymore.

Currently I’m really dealing with one fear of rejection. Ironicly, it’s about having a crush on someone. Okay crush is maybe a big word.. but I just think he’s really sweet and handsome. I’m really intrested in him.

I’m not joking when I say that I’ve always been rejected or that they fooled me and just left me there like nothing. You wonder why you still try, you tell yourself that no one really loves you. Well, that’s what I do. That’s why I’m scared to love someone, because I don’t want to fall. I know I’m fragile, that I will drag myself down in misery.
This way of thinking is already taking over my mind today. It’s hard to handle but for now I’m okay.

This situation always remind me of these words:
I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim.

Hello there

I honestly don’t really know for sure where to start but just let me try. One thing is sure: it will be a long post.

I haven’t been on my blog for a long time. I really wanted to but I realised that I was going through a big change and just wanted to let everything happen. I just wanted to let go for once and ‘go with the flow’. I noticed changes where happening everywhere. I changed but also everything around me did. I was never the type to write in a diary, with my silly head I always forgot to write. But now, since June I have a diary. I don’t write in it everyday, I only write when I really feel like it. That way I could still write but not throw it out in the world.

A change that I noticed by writing in a diary is that my way of writing changed. Because of that change, I made the decision to delete all of my old posts. I know it will take some time to delete them, to let them go. I mean, some of those posts really could hit a hard note. I had moments that I shared my hardest times on this blog. Mostly depressing moments and that’s what I want to let go for a big part. That’s why I’m also going to change my URL.

I’m not saying that everything is okay now. I’m still dealing with stuf but I’m taking it on both sides of me. I’m not only seeying it as a bad thing anymore, that I need to be ‘punished’ that I had to ‘learn it now’ because I would get disappointed by everything all my life. I finally see that not everything is bad. This may sound stupid but I feel like some things happened to me, so that I could share my story and help others. For a long time I was scared to let my voice speak but I’m getting more confidence. I know it will take some time but most things do.

It took some time to get back here. I was scared that nobody was interested anymore in my story. The fear I once let go was back but I know I’m ready to deal with it now.

I don’t believe in all of the ‘psychic’ things but I believe that some people feel things stronger than others. I never really noticed that I was a ‘strong feeling person’ but a really nice teacher on my school made me realise. Somehow I sometimes ignore it because it also means you already know a bit of the hard truth but you still want to hope for something else. I don’t get a full sight of everything, I don’t get everything and of course that makes me a human (I like being a human, don’t worry). But I believe you can choose to see things if you want to/are ready to deal with it. Even if it comes to the simple thing to being in love. Sometimes you like someone and you know somewhere deep that the person is not feeling the same. But being a human, we fantasise, we dream. We hope that we’re somewhere wrong. That hope can get so big that you even fall harder when the truth comes out.

I always hate making decisions because my mental problems never let me (I will talk about that later but I honestly don’t want to make a book out of this post..). Thursday I had to make a light decision: whether to go to a wedding party or not. Being honest: I was very depressed Wednesday. I felt some feelings and I had some thoughts that had been gone for a long time. Something happened that day which released a self hate that I didn’t had to deal with for a long time because I was doing good.

Other change: this time I really tried to not take it so hard. Until 9 months ago, I still did take everything extremely hard. I knew if I did let it get to me now, I would made a major fall back. So I went to the gym and threw everything out.
Making the decision to not let it get to me was the cause that I eventually wanted go to the party. But because I had a little mood swing Thursday afternoon, I was getting a bit worried about my state of being. I didn’t want to be Grumpy Cat at the party. While dressing and doing my make up, I played songs that make me super happy. I even danced as a weirdo in front of my mom. But it was for something good: to make myself as happy as I could be.

Result of doing all of that is that I’m now really happy that I went to the party.

As I arrived somebody already caught my eye. Yes, a guy. I just know him for day now so I’m not going to tell him this because it will make me a creep #1 but thanks to him, I made a major bounce back up to a very good mood. Coming back to the “being a feeling person”, I somewhere knew that he was going to be a very sweet person. I knew he wasn’t the ‘ordinary’ guy. I really know this can sound creepy to people who don’t experience this. It’s weird to say that one person you barely know, can make you happy, but it’s true. I’m happy that it can be that way, it makes me motivated to fight my social problems and meet new people.

Last night I was checking Facebook and came across a post that had a link to his blog. It only contains 3 posts but honestly 3 amazing posts! The way someone writes, their knowledge of words, can appeal to me. It sounds simple to write something, only it’s not. It’s a way of art to me. You need to know yourself to know how to use your words. In one post he wrote: “When I dive into the water, I wanna reach the bottom. That’s when in know someone trusts me to tell me their story, and then in know I can trust them with my story.” Simply said: I hope he’s going to go on with writing. As my mind explored more and ‘grew up’ and I want my blog to be like me, my blog will probably change a lot. Whether you like the change or not, I hope you will try to listen and if you don’t, I wouldn’t hate you either. As they say: Nobody is the same. I just want to talk about everything like I want to. I want to share my story. One thing that doesn’t change is that this blog is still going to be anonymous. Yes, some stories I want to share in public to help people around me, to really talk to them face to face. Most of the time I’m not afraid, but some stories.. Some things that I did to myself, to others, how I looked at life, how some parts of my life are, are hard to tell. I’m maybe even ashamed about some things. I mean, some people knew parts of my life that I’m now ashamed about. I haven’t spoken about a lot of it in a long time but I would be less afraid to tell ‘that guy’ or someone else with the same way of looking at life. I just feel that they would really listen and really try to understand. I just like the ‘mind/way of thinking- connection’. It’s a connection that’s undescribable to me. 

I’m trying to end this post a good way, but I can’t seem to find where to end. There are so many things I want to talk about and I will, in time. Maybe tomorrow, maybe a year later. As I love to start writing on my blog again and tell about my life, all the struggles and the changes, I still need to focus on living my life. As there are some major changes happening now (that I will tell you later), I maybe want to do something with writing in the future. 

See the change, accept and try to understand. How you deal with it is your choice. (And ‘that guy’, if you ever read this.. Sorry that I called you ‘that guy’. I just don’t know another term.)

25 things i wish i realized while i was still in highschool

  1. That zit on your cheek literally does not matter
  2. Skipping class one time will not ruin your entire life
  3. The boy you’re trying so hard to impress will mean nothing to you in a year
  4. Bring coffee to school and ignore people who make fun of it
  5. Bring a snack, too. Don’t care if people hear you eating in class.
  6. Being popular isn’t and will never be something that seriously defines who you are
  7. Appreciate your teachers
  8. Doing/not doing drugs doesn’t make you cooler than anyone else.
  9. Neither does drinking
  10. Talk to the kid sitting alone; even though it may not change your life it could drastically change theirs
  11. Participate in school events
  12. Wear sweatpants everyday
  13. Or wear a dress everyday
  14. Wear whatever makes you comfortable
  15. Nobody will laugh at you if you sit alone at your lunch table for five minutes
  16. Utilize the library
  17. Don’t wait 20 minutes to text someone back just to seem cool
  18. Tell your friends how much you love them
  19. Cherish your free textbooks… seriously
  20. Help confused freshmen, be nice to them. Remember how much you would have appreciated it a couple years ago
  21. Compliment the other girls in the bathroom
  22. That fight you had with your mom really isn’t that big of a deal
  23. It’s okay to cry
  24. Don’t let your desire for a romantic relationship stop you from forming platonic relationships
  25. Remember that life does go on

(via tomlinbooties)

(via thesebrokennights)